Welcome to Gretta Krane's Newsletter, "Life is a Choice"

This monthly newsletter is written with the intention of showing there really are nothing but possibilities in our lives. Our lives are filled with choices most of us are not even aware that we have. We get to choose how we feel, what we believe, and what to create in our lives.

This newsletter is all about the creative power that we all hold inside of us...

I recently read a Dear Abby column. In it she advised a reader NOT to call off her engagement with her boyfriend, a soldier in Iraq. Responses from readers followed, some of who agreed with Abby while others did not. One letter struck me powerfully.

It came from the mother of a soldier who received a "Dear John" e-mail from his wife. After reading the e-mail the soldier talked to his wife over the phone. Then he went out and shot himself in the heart. The mother of the soldier blamed her daughter-in-law for her son's suicide. Stating, "If only my daughter-in-law wouldn't have told him, then I would still have my son."

I am a survivor of suicide; my husband shot himself in front of me. I know the nightmare this family is living. And to me there are three tragic aspects to this story: The first is the tragedy of the young man who took his life. The second is the tragedy of the young wife who is probably blaming herself for what her husband did. I know this aspect all too well; it's how I felt and it nearly destroyed my life. And then sadly, there is the third sad part of this story, the blame the soldier's mother is putting on her daughter-in-law for what her son did. I'm familiar with that too; my mother-in-law was also quick to blame me for what my husband did to himself.

Do I believe spouses should be honest with each other, even if the other spouse is fighting in a war? Yes I do.

I recognize that fighting in a war has got to be its own kind of hell and it could easily be a source of deep depression. Added to that, ending a relationship you still want to be in could also cause depression. But what I learned from my own experience and counseling is that emotionally healthy people do not commit suicide. I would guess that thousands of relationships end every day in this country without people taking their lives over it. I suppose many soldiers get Dear John letters, which must be hard on them, yet they don't commit suicide. This soldier probably had issues he was struggling with, issues which can't be blamed on the wife. What is so sad is he did not reach out for help or support.

The soldier's mother's reaction and her quickness to blame her daughter-in-law for the action her son took, is unfortunate and all too common. This mother was probably praying everyday that her son would not be shot by the enemy, and then to have him take his own life had to be devastating. As parents we feel responsible for our children. It's common for parents to feel guilty or ashamed for their children's actions, and it's often easier to blame another person or a circumstance. But blame is not the answer.

Through my own healing I have learned that many of us are taught that happiness comes from others, and that we NEED the other person to be happy. Or that we are responsible for someone else's happiness. I grew up believing both of these lies. These lies are what nearly destroyed my life after Michael died. It was these lies that made me believe I was responsible for my husband choosing to take his own life. It wasn't until the past few years that I understood that my happiness was in my hands, not somebody else's.

The lie this soldier believed was that he couldn't live without his wife, that he could never be happy without her. The truth is, his wife wasn't responsible for that belief.

For whatever reason this man chose to take his life, and as sad as it is, this was his choice!

Like many people, I used to blame my childhood and bad experiences in my life for my own unhappiness. And yes, how we are raised, our genetics and our experiences do shape the way we think and feel, but we are still responsible for all of our actions. If we're not happy we need to find out why, and make the necessary changes in our life, and we have to stop thinking someone else is responsible for our happiness or our actions.

According to the American Foundation of Suicide Prevention tens of thousands of people commit suicide every year and almost a million people will attempt suicide each year. So what can we do about this? How can we heal? I can tell you from my own experience we need to reach out for understanding about ourselves and the events in our lives. Healing can begin when we stop feeling ashamed of our feelings and instead acquire understanding about them. For me, once I understood the whys and the events in my life then I was able to forgive. And too, if we can take the shame out of the way we feel then I believe more people will reach out for help, and if more people reach out for help, then we will have fewer suicides. If you're not happy with your life, don't be afraid, and don't give up, instead discover why. Whether you're someone who has lost a loved one or someone who is struggling with thoughts of suicide, reach out, there is so much help available now.

What's next? How do we process our feelings in a way that allows us to move forward and emerge as healthier people? We feel. We talk. We release. We Reach Out. There are many ways to do so; many people and books that can help support what you are doing and needing. You don't have to do this alone and you don't have to feel bad about not knowing how. Most of us were not taught, as children, how to deal with our feelings.

If you are unhappy, afraid, feeling frustrated, or unable to succeed, try taking responsibility and seek out what changes to make in your life to turn things around. Your answers are out there to all of your questions; and finding them in a way that works best for you is a remarkable and fulfilling journey.

So, should we be honest with our spouses, partners? YES! If you feel the relationship is over, then be honest, kind and loving, but honest. At the same time, we need to be kind and loving to ourselves. Sacrificing our own happiness for another is neither kind nor loving to ourselves or our mate.

If you are a person who is struggling with your own ability to create a happy life... Reach Out... Do The Work... You Deserve It!

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